“This above all: To thine own SELF be TRUE and it must follow, as the night the day, thy canst not then be false to any man.”

---William Shakespeare

The cover photo of the Eiffel Tower and Le Viaduc d’Austerlitz Bridge in Paris shows why that French capital is called “The City of Lights.” But for those lights to become visible, darkness must come first. Too frequently, such seems to be the case in relationships. As the daylight rises across Paris, the ugliness of the city becomes visible: homeless people lie along the embankments of the Seine River and in the waiting areas in the below-ground Metro stations; gypsy children mug tourists; litter is scattered about the gutters.

Similarly, with the light cast upon the stark reality of many relationships, the ugliness also becomes visible. The dark side, with all its pain and misery, can be seen in the light. How ideal it would be for both parties to enter into relationships with eyes wide open, with neither party consciously or unconsciously displaying one or more images rather than “The Real” that lies in wait behind the false images. How wonderful it would be if we could cast a bright light onto that which causes the darkness in relationships and, in that process, eliminate the darkness for good.

With so much truth coming out after the fact, how wonderful it would be if full light were cast on both parties before entering a marriage or before people decide to divorce; unfortunately, the case is that too frequently the images fall away and the hidden truth underneath comes into view. Then, a sense of darkness often descends over the relationship. That darkness begins to cloak the partnership in blackness and foretells the approach of another painful death of a liaison gone bad.

Yet what if the darkness—like that in Paris or like that in many relationships—could provide a backdrop for enlightenment to come, for positive changes to come, for true illumination to come and cast away the darkness?

I wrote in The Twice-Stolen Necklace Murders that the transitions that can occur in a relationship are compelling: Things can shift: from stranger to acquaintance to friend to lover to spouse to enemy to . . . corpse, if her God had allowed her to have her way.

With a divorce rate of 62% in the U.S. today, and with many of those who are among the other 38% telling me that they are miserable and that they are ready to join the ranks of the divorced, is there any possibility that couples today can have healthy relationships that can withstand the vicissitudes of life in this complex world with its many challenges? Actually, I think so, based on my own experience.

You see, even long ago I had all sorts of observations about relationships to share. I knew part of the reason why they were failing at an appalling rate. I also knew that the current odds are against anyone having a healthy, long-term marriage. But I needed solutions to share before putting pen to paper. I have those now.

Why are they worth reading? One need but ask, “Are the odds against building healthy and successful relationships going to improve?” No. How do I know? Because the roots causes of the failure are being ignored, and neither this work nor any other is going to change the trend. What can it change? It can change the prospects for one couple at a time or for one individual at a time. And if you in a troubled marriage, or if you are totally smitten and about to join the ranks of the married, or if you are among the 38% still married but not happy, or if you are among the single who hope to have a healthy relationship someday, there is hope for you to create a healthy marriage (or a long-term relationship even without a formal marriage).

The reason that this book is being published now rather than years ago is based in the fact that I have been given certain concrete solutions that I have tried and applied. As a result, I can now share that I had one healthy relationship in college and one healthy relationship (with that same woman) thirty-three years later. It is a relationship in which the two of us happen to have personality types (from the nine types that exist) that are compatible. It is a relationship entered into with the chemistry having always worked and with no expectations, demands, vows, promises, documents, or civil or religious interference. It is a monogamous relationship by choice but not by demand or expectation or promise. It is satisfying only because the two parties entering into the relationship were already independent, self-sustaining, and free of any sense of being entitled to be taken care of by someone else.

The relationship is healthy because it was entered into by two people who had done the work required to know and to feel SELF-Love, SELF-esteem, and SELF-fulfillment and by two people who had taken the action to heal body and mind and emotions. In between the first relationship with the woman I mentioned and with my current relationship with her again, I had relationships that were characterized by all of the darkness and befuddlement that I shall describe. Too, I have since worked with individuals and couples in advisory positions; therefore, all that I share is experiential rather than theory. May you receive some benefit.